A Person

I don't really know how self portraits work or if there are certain requirements that you have to uphold to make something a true self portrait. My general understanding is that it has to be something of you. Something that you created or thought up about yourself.
If someone were to ask me, "Are you a vain person?" I would want to give a modest and well thought out answer. Something that would make people think that I am a beautiful and confident woman who takes no notice if I am a beautiful and confident women.
But that would not be true. I care about my thin hair and squinty eyes and small stature. I look in the mirror more than I would like to admit, and I put too much effort into my appearance.
I do not say this to fish for compliments or to get people to tell me that I am wrong and beautiful. I say this because I want to be honest with myself and others.
I am vain.
Some days more than others. Somedays I really don't care; I throw my hair up and walk around in a big t-shirt and spandex shorts. But somedays, when the right people are around and giving me slightly superior looks, I am very vain.
Today I am posting a small series of self portraits. Not because I want to flaunt anything or get people to tell me nice things, not even because they have some deep, wonderful meanings.
But rather because I am just a person. And these are just photos from the past year that show a little of who I am as a person. A  flawed, vain, reluctantly poetic person.

Grind and Prejudice

It is a truth universally acknowledged that with a great love for coffee comes a wide array of spills and stains. I've often said that if I ever have children I will not be able to get mad at them for spilling because I will be knocking things over just as much- if not more. 

"Dad! Can you get a towel? Mom spilled her coffee again." 

 If you went through my closet you would have a hard time find a single article that does not have a coffee smudge, stain, blurb, squiggle, splotch or dousing. However, please do not go through my closet because that is creepy...

 I really try though, I do. I try very hard not to spill. It's just that mugs are cooler that tumblers. I know I shouldn't bring the mug in the car but holding a warm mug is like a tiny hug. And when I do have to-go mugs they often spill...on their own... without any real help from me. Also, Starbucks mugs are as tricky as their mascot (which is a Siren, by the way... who are the most diabolical, twisted sluts is mythology...), I swear the mouth hole moves. One minute it's right in front of me, I go to take a sip and BAM! it's on the other side of the cup, drizzling new stains on my innocent, impressionable, untainted, new white shorts. 

I like to the think of it as personality art. 

I am a painting. Coffee stains provide a realism to my art that really can't be replicated. That abstract touch that really captures who I am in. 

It's beautiful, okay? 

So if you see me, and if you see the coffee stain that I guarantee is somewhere on my attire, don't point it out, just appreciate the work of art.

The Pirates' Life For Me

  I recently went to Dutch country. Pella, Iowa is apparently famous for it's tulips, dutch letters and bologna. I liked the quaint feel the little town square had. There were at least five bakeries within a few blocks of each other. And large windmills, don't forget the windmills. My parents wanted to spend the day with me so we walked around the square, sampling beef jerky and smelling the fresh bread. Also, there was coffee involved. I mean, obviously.
  We started out with lunch at Smokey Row Coffeehouse: cheeseburger chowder in a bread bowl and a bottle of root beer to go with that, thank you. I liked Smokey Row because the inside matched the name. It was a little dark inside and it felt like something you would find inside a ski resort... I mean, something I would imagine you would find in a ski resort... I wouldn't actually know since I've never been skiing.
  Anyway, it was relaxed, and to me, one of the top priorities of a coffee shop should be to make the customers feel relaxed. You should be able to stay for hours studying or having a sweet conversation with friends or just sitting and staring at you coffee in peace.
  Coffee relaxes me. I want everyone to be able to experience it's
warming, soothing power.
  The rest of the day was spent sampling, wandering, discovering all the wonders of the tulip town(which actually didn't have that many tulips due to recent snow). By the end of the day I came away with chocolate-covered espresso beans, wafflestroople, a mug, a t-shirt and some lovely film photos.
  My favorite part about towns like this are the small businesses, the bakeries, boutiques, bookstores, coffee houses, antique shops ect... They all hold special and unique atmospheres. Every once in a while you find a place that you just sort of fit into, almost like it's alive and understands who you are. And that little shop or eatery or bookstore becomes a part of you or you a part of it, I'm never really sure.
  I've recently been around a little girl who has a wild imagination. Upon meeting her she told me she was a scientist, detective, and princess. I informed her that I was a pirate.
But in some silly, poetic way, I think I actually am. I scour the country in search of metaphorical gems, gems that sparkle and speak and breathe and make good coffee.
So anchors away, my friends!

                           

A Photo Journey

  Taking pictures with a film camera is an exciting endeavor. You never really know what you are going to get. Each role of film is a precious thing, something you want to cherish and use carefully. Film costs money, getting them developed cost money, buying new batteries cost money. So when I get the pictures back and they aren't what I was hoping for I am filled with a sad sense of failure. But when I get them back and they are crisp and unique, I feel accomplished. My journey was not for naught. I didn't wake up to catch the sunrise for nothing. I didn't make my roommate pull over the car for nothing. I didn't stand in the same position for five minutes just to get the right face for nothing. 

There is a lot of risk involved, but in the end, when I get pictures like the ones below, it makes it all worth it. 

  I like to post the pictures without words to interrupt them so that when you look through them it an experience. You come with me on the adventures I went on to get these shots. This collection is not in order of how they were taken or where they were taken, but rather how I feel they flow best. The pictures are not incredible and I do not claim to be any sort of photographer, but each picture is a story and it can be whatever story your see or want to see in it. So good luck and enjoy the view. (:

Mississippi to Florida then Back Again

  I've been busy with life as of late. To finally sit down and write without having people all around me feels a bit foreign. But here's what the last few weeks have looked like: I discovered some lovely places and satisfying coffee, and I took a four day trip to Florida. I'll start with Florida...

  I went down to work at a fancy smancy conference down in Bonita Springs. It was held at a Regency Hotel. The type of place where the fountains are as big as the pools and and the pools have fountains in them... so you never can 100% tell the difference. Even though I didn't get to stay at the hotel, I enjoyed wandering around the various shops and gardens. But when everything is so over priced just for the heck of it, I wonder if it's actually better or just a pretty scam. I mean, I liked the coffee. It had a nice flavor and was dark enough for me, which is saying something. In truth, though, the five star coffee wasn't any better than a five dollar bag of coffee from Target. Over priced coffee annoys me. It's like paying for a hug. Sure, its still good but there's no reason to make it so expensive when it isn't any different. Don't get me wrong, I'm okay with expensive coffee if it's worth it. But it needs to really be worth it, otherwise just go to the grocery store and get a bag or can of it. (As long as it's not Folgers, of course.)

  To be honest, I am a coffeehouse critic (this you may already know). I mean it all in love but I tend to pick apart the decor choices, drink choices, grind choices, even the table clothe choices. You can imagine how delightful it was when I stepped into The Depot Coffeehouse I didn't find anything wrong. I instantly loved it. The drink choices were diverse yet classic. The Decor was simple but artsy. The downstairs was bright and conducive to lunch dates and friendly conversation while the upstairs was darker and cozy, great for studying or brainstorming. And the coffee they use is Counter Culture, which is a brand I have come to like since my brother bought me a bag for my birthday this past year. I truly look forward to going back someday and cross my fingers in hopes that I will be able to find more as so-close-to-perfect as it again. Cheers to the owners and decorators!
 
  Either this is a good coffee town or it's been my lucky week because just down the road from The Depot is T-Bones Records and Coffee. Half the place is an indie rock looking coffeehouse and the other half is an indie record(yes, actual records) and cd shop. I tried to buy a Miles Davis cd but they were all out. Amyway, the coffee was smooth and fit the scenery. The

whole place felt...mellow, if I dare use that word. And the company I had wasn't bad either. :D

   I am very grateful that I have had productive travels these past weeks. Today I arrived near Memphis and I look forward to what aroma's and brews and shops and adventures wait here for me.

  Stay caffeinated, my friends!

Thoughts From a Brother

  I have a plethora of brothers. They each are very different and relate differently to me. I love them all and someday I think I will go through one by one and tell you about them. But not right now. Right now, you just get a tiny piece of one of them.
  Last night I was thinking about two very profound things that my brother closest to me said to me. The first was when we were little kids and the second was when I started my first dating relationship. There is great wisdom in both little quotes, wisdom that I do not think would be fair to keep to myself.
  One day, when I was about four and he was about ten, we were traveling(we usually were). Countless hours of my life have been spent moving from one place to the next. Being trapping in the back of a truck with someone for thousands and thousands of miles practically forces you to bond... and fight. Anyway, I remember as a little kid being very concerned with the way people viewed me. Specifically, I wanted them to think I was a "big girl". I don't know why but to a four year old it's very important to be viewed this way. I usually asked my brother life questions, assuming he knew everything.
  "Zac, how old do I have to be to be a Big Girl?"
  He thought, and solemnly replied: "You become a Big Girl when you don't care if you are one."
  This was very frustrating to me and I remember thinking about it for years. How could I ever not care? Was I doomed to be a Little Girl forever?
  I don't know when, but one day it clicked. It didn't matter anymore. No twenty year old craves for people to think she is a big girl. No fourteen year old wishes her mom would say "What a big girl you are!" If anything, the older you get the more it's a compliment to be called little... although, it can be rather annoying when you are an adult and people are still asking if you are fifteen. Not that that happens to me... I'm just saying....
  It's sort of sad, though, that by the time I became a legal adult, it really didn't matter anymore. I was just excited because I could finally buy my own NyQuil.

  The next tidbit is more of a life principle. I've always loved a good romantic story. I'm a sucker for rain scenes especially. But really I just love the transformations and the apologies and the overall poetry of a good, well written love movie or book.
  I think we all grow up feeling like someday we will get our love movie. I tried to patiently wait through High School for it to be "my turn".
  Finally, there was a boy who wanted to be with me. Like really wanted to be with me. Not just to fulfill his teenage emotional needs or to puff up his ego. This boy actually liked me. And he was willing to try and make it work even though I was about to leave the state for three months.
  I was scared and sappy and nervous and excited and didn't have a clue.
And while I was muddling through particular anxiety about whether this was possible my brother came to me and said something that I have not forgotten. And honestly, a few times when my relationship has been bumpy I have reminded myself of his words.
  "Don't expect your relationship to be a like a love movie."
  I know it's very simple, and somewhat forward, but it's true. I mean, obviously, but really. 
  We try so hard to feel like movies feel but movies only show 1/100th of what actually goes into a relationship, romantic or not.
  There are boring times and stressful times and cute times and I'm-going-to-kill-you times and incandescent times. If a relationship doesn't work, that's fine. But don't give up on a real relationship because it doesn't feel like a fake one.
  That's what he told me and what I'm telling you and what I will tell my daughters and sons and friends.
  And now I would like to so thank you, dear brother, for your ten year old wisdom and your twenty two year old wisdom. I look forward to many more.

Addiction.

Every year I take a break from coffee. 

I talk about and write about and generally express my love for coffee a lot, thus, people have often assumed I am addicted. After that word  kept coming up I became concerned that maybe I was and just didn’t realize it. In order to test this, I took a short break from coffee... to prove to the world and to myself that I do not NEED it.

It has become a tradition for me ever since then. A reminder that addiction is not an option. I do not want my mood and general well being to ride on coffee. Or anything, for that matter.
I won’t be able to enjoy coffee, or drawing, writing or the people I care about if I put my security and contentment in them. What will I do when they let me down? 
As good as coffee is, not even it can make me perpetually happy. I'm afraid I'm much too needy. And I've learned that if I expect people to always be there for me and react the way I want and do what I think is best... Well, that's just unrealistic. 
It is frustrating though because it's so easy to expect certain results from things and people. 
And it's even easier to be let down when they don't come through the way you planned or hoped. 
Furthermore, I enjoy my stuff, hobbies and loved ones much more when I just appreciate them for what they are, and don't tie my emotional well-being to their performance.

I stopped my break on Tuesday. The first coffee I had since the beginning of the month was a Starbucks Vanilla Coffee-and-milk bottled drink. The best part about going off coffee for a while is that when I get back on it all tastes clearer. I know it sounds weird but it's true. The flavors stick out a bit more. The warmth is a bit warmer. And the first couple cups of good coffee really make it all worth it. 
I don't ever want the word "addiction" do describe how I am towards anything in life. It makes me feel like I am trapped. Addiction makes a good thing your worst enemy.  That is why I do this every year. Coffee is much too cathartic and poetic for me to let it have that kind of power over me.
It wouldn't be fair to either of us.