Last night I was thinking about two very profound things that my brother closest to me said to me. The first was when we were little kids and the second was when I started my first dating relationship. There is great wisdom in both little quotes, wisdom that I do not think would be fair to keep to myself.
One day, when I was about four and he was about ten, we were traveling(we usually were). Countless hours of my life have been spent moving from one place to the next. Being trapping in the back of a truck with someone for thousands and thousands of miles practically forces you to bond... and fight. Anyway, I remember as a little kid being very concerned with the way people viewed me. Specifically, I wanted them to think I was a "big girl". I don't know why but to a four year old it's very important to be viewed this way. I usually asked my brother life questions, assuming he knew everything.
"Zac, how old do I have to be to be a Big Girl?"
He thought, and solemnly replied: "You become a Big Girl when you don't care if you are one."
This was very frustrating to me and I remember thinking about it for years. How could I ever not care? Was I doomed to be a Little Girl forever?
I don't know when, but one day it clicked. It didn't matter anymore. No twenty year old craves for people to think she is a big girl. No fourteen year old wishes her mom would say "What a big girl you are!" If anything, the older you get the more it's a compliment to be called little... although, it can be rather annoying when you are an adult and people are still asking if you are fifteen. Not that that happens to me... I'm just saying....
It's sort of sad, though, that by the time I became a legal adult, it really didn't matter anymore. I was just excited because I could finally buy my own NyQuil.
The next tidbit is more of a life principle. I've always loved a good romantic story. I'm a sucker for rain scenes especially. But really I just love the transformations and the apologies and the overall poetry of a good, well written love movie or book.
I think we all grow up feeling like someday we will get our love movie. I tried to patiently wait through High School for it to be "my turn".
Finally, there was a boy who wanted to be with me. Like really wanted to be with me. Not just to fulfill his teenage emotional needs or to puff up his ego. This boy actually liked me. And he was willing to try and make it work even though I was about to leave the state for three months.
I was scared and sappy and nervous and excited and didn't have a clue.
And while I was muddling through particular anxiety about whether this was possible my brother came to me and said something that I have not forgotten. And honestly, a few times when my relationship has been bumpy I have reminded myself of his words.
"Don't expect your relationship to be a like a love movie."
I know it's very simple, and somewhat forward, but it's true. I mean, obviously, but really.
We try so hard to feel like movies feel but movies only show 1/100th of what actually goes into a relationship, romantic or not.
There are boring times and stressful times and cute times and I'm-going-to-kill-you times and incandescent times. If a relationship doesn't work, that's fine. But don't give up on a real relationship because it doesn't feel like a fake one.
That's what he told me and what I'm telling you and what I will tell my daughters and sons and friends.
And now I would like to so thank you, dear brother, for your ten year old wisdom and your twenty two year old wisdom. I look forward to many more.
